Question: How do I get over long-term grief?

Answer:

One of our listeners contacted us regarding her long-term grief. She wrote:

I have suffered losses in my life. My husband and I were infertile for many years. Finally, we had a beautiful baby girl, but she died when she was six months old. That was devastating. Five years ago, my husband died after a long battle with cancer, and now I’m alone. Every day I think about how much I miss him. I keep all his things on the dresser just like he left them when he went to the hospital the last time. How do I get over this terrible feeling? 

Grieving is a journey, and even if you have felt the Lord’s comforting hand on your shoulder, it’s natural to still feel stuck along the way. Perhaps we can offer a few suggestions that might help you overcome your long-term grief.

First, take a close look at your unfulfilled wishes. Your desire for motherhood runs deep, perhaps even deeper than your wishes for marriage.

In her book, Shattered Hopes, Renewed Hearts: What to Do with Wishes that Don’t Come True, Dr. Maribeth Ekey writes:

Once we accept that life is sad, once we stop fighting our sadness and simply let it be, we can channel our energies into facing sadness constructively. As we face it, we mourn. As we mourn, we let go of wishes and dreams that cannot be. In letting go, we free our passions for investment in wishes that can be. This is the road to joy.¹

Second, let yourself release the dreams that may never come to pass and open your heart to embrace new ones. God has given each of us a unique purpose to fulfil on earth. Take some time to reflect and write down what you believe God’s purpose might be for you. What mission might He be leading you to? While it’s painful to let go of cherished dreams, know that God can provide new ones—dreams that can fill your life with meaning and purpose. Consider partnering with someone in pursuing this purpose; the journey will be enriched by the shared experience. As Paul beautifully illustrates, there is immense strength and joy in unity of purpose:

Is there any encouragement from belonging to Christ? Any comfort from his love? Any fellowship together in the Spirit? Are your hearts tender and compassionate? Then make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, loving one another, and working together with one mind and purpose (Philippians 2:1–2, emphasis added).

Third, focus on building life-enriching habits. Sometimes, we unintentionally perpetuate our feelings of sadness by engaging in routines that reinforce them. While many of us can’t change our circumstances, we can choose to change our actions. Small, positive changes—like getting enough rest, eating healthy foods, and going for walks—can make a significant difference. You might also find encouragement in attending uplifting worship services, developing a hobby, meditating on a verse or passage of Scripture, addressing problems with courage and action, sharing a daily laugh, or cultivating a new friendship. Take a moment to reflect on your daily routine. Are there patterns that may be feeding your negative emotions? If so, try altering just one habit. Sometimes, even small steps can be the beginning of rebuilding life after loss.

Fourth, stay connected to people, even though it may be difficult. You need someone such as a pastor, Christian counsellor, or trusted friend whom you can call when negative thoughts weigh on your mind. Having someone to talk to openly can make a world of difference. Remember, God often uses other people to extend His mercy, comfort, and help. When we’re hurting, our tendency is to withdraw, but healing often comes through the support and care of others. I encourage you to let someone walk with you through this season, helping you to grow and find strength.

The final step in the journey of grief is learning to integrate the loss into your life. The relationship or dream you cherished has changed, and accepting that it is no longer part of your present reality is a vital part of healing. This loss has undoubtedly shaped and changed you, leaving you different from who you were before.

Despite these changes, there is hope. You have the strength to overcome your grief and move forward with life. Grief may shape you, but it does not define you. Brighter days are ahead.

We hope you found these suggestions helpful.

¹Maribeth Ekey, Shattered Hopes, Renewed Hearts: What to Do with Wishes that Don’t Come True (Servant Publications, 1998), p. 36.