Question: A person I used to call a friend gossiped about me, and I’m so hurt by her actions and angry with her. I don’t talk to her anymore, and I know that’s wrong. How do I deal with my hurt and anger?
Answer: Gossip destroys good friendships (Proverbs 17:9). Along with the hurt feeling, you’re likely experiencing other feelings, such as sadness over the loss of your friendship, shame because of the secret that your friend revealed, and anger at their insensitivity.
The best way to deal with hurt and anger is through resolution. Here are key steps to take.
First, let go of the hurt and anger. Anger must be handled properly. The Bible says, “‘don’t sin by letting anger control you’” (Ephesians 4:26). Unresolved anger can lead to grudges, backbiting, faultfinding, and a host of other sins. Processing our negative emotions and surrendering them to the Lord is the healthiest way to deal with them. Remember, the Lord cares deeply about your feelings. Jesus was also betrayed by His friends, so He understands your sorrow—and He can comfort you. Surrender your feelings to Him in prayer. Picture yourself handing over all your hurt and anger to Him.
Peter writes, “Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you” (1 Peter 5:7). Surrendering your hurt and anger to the Lord means fully acknowledging your feelings, admitting your inability to deal with them on your own, letting go of your right to seek revenge, and trusting Him to be your defender.
The word surrender best describes the act of handing over to God something that truly belongs to Him—the right to retaliate. The Lord says, “‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay’” (Romans 12:19 NIV). He wants us to trust Him to set things right and balance the scales. When we surrender our anger, the hurt may still remain, but it will no longer seek expression through retaliation.
Have you surrendered your anger? Or are you still holding on to the right to hurt her because she hurt you? Maybe you’re at the point where you don’t want to retaliate, but you still feel wounded by her words. That emotion is okay. It’s normal to feel hurt—just don’t let that hurt turn into angry revenge.
Second, respond in love. Once you’ve let go of the need for revenge, you’re free to reflect the love of Christ to the other person (Luke 6:27–36). A kind word truly can soften a hardened heart. We encourage you to look for a simple way to show love to your friend—perhaps through a thoughtful gift, a handwritten card, or a gentle word of grace.
Finally, have a conversation. Talk openly with your friend about how you feel, and take time to listen as she shares her perspective. Remember, listening doesn’t mean agreeing—it means seeking to understand her thoughts and reflecting back what she’s feeling. This kind of honest, empathetic dialogue can open the door to healing and reconciliation.
After listening to her, you might say something like, “You thought it was okay to share my problem with others so they could pray for me,” or “You felt hurt by my response to you.” That doesn’t mean your friend was right. Sharing your private matters without your permission was wrong. But remember, your goal isn’t to assign blame or determine who’s right. Your goal is to understand one another, not to win an argument. Winning an argument but losing a friend isn’t worth it. You might even say, “We disagree on this, but that’s all right. I still love you, and I understand how you feel.” In doing this, you acknowledge your differences instead of allowing those differences to divide you.
After taking these steps, forgiveness will begin to follow naturally. Even if your friend never asks for forgiveness, you can still choose to release the offence. You’ve already processed your hurt and anger, and you’ve communicated openly with her—now, it’s time to let it go.
