When I was finishing university I had my whole life planned. And for a while, things went more or less how I thought they should.
But when my husband and I started trying for a second child, everything turned upside down. Our daughter had been born without complication—why should it be any different this time?
Two-and-a-half years and four miscarriages later, I was filled with anger, confusion, and questions.
Night after night I poured out my heart to God. Hadn’t this been what Hannah did and her prayers were answered? Wasn’t God listening? I clung to the verses in Psalm 20:4-5, “May He grant your heart’s desires and make all your plans succeed. May we shout for joy when we hear of your victory and raise a victory banner in the name of our God. May the Lord answer all your prayers.”
Exactly nine months after our final miscarriage, Jaydon Daniel was born. We met him 15 hours later. The moment I laid eyes on his chipmunk cheeks and dark features, I knew this was the child God had planned for us to love and parent. Seeing his birth mother’s despair and grief as she placed him in my arms was one of the hardest moments of my life. And yet I was filled with joy knowing that God had brought us through our own pain to a place of peace.
Looking back, I realize instead of trusting God with my life, I was trying to plan and orchestrate it all myself. He, in fact, had something far more beautiful in mind for me. Not easier, but something that allowed me to be used by Him and to grow deeper.
Those verses in Psalm 20 have taken on a whole new meaning. The desire of my heart is that my plans will be God’s plans. The road might be bumpy, but I will know that He is leading and directing.
Tanya Kieneker worked as the media and marketing manager at Insight for Living Canada.