Question: I was hurt in the past by bad relationships and now I’m afraid of starting new ones. I feel caged by my fear. What should I do?

Answer: Fear is powerful. It feeds on itself and grows so that you feel controlled by it. Let’s look to God’s Word for some guidance on how to overcome fear.

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you. (Philippians 4:6–9)

These verses encourage you to pray right, think right, and act right while managing your fear. Let’s take a closer look at each of these. 

First, whenever you feel anxious, pray to the Lord. The Psalms are a great model for our own prayers. King David lived with all kinds of fear from real dangers. He learned to pour out his heart to God until he was able to rest in a confident, joyous peace. Read through the Psalms—maybe one each day—and then respond honestly to God about what you read. You’ll soon start to feel the benefit. Keep a notebook in which you record your responses in the form of prayers.

Second, be vigilant over your thought life. Memorize Scripture. Choose verses that minister to you while you’re reading your Bible. When you find your mind racing with anxious thoughts, review those Scriptures.

Another important element to controlling your thought life is to control what goes into your mind. Negative thoughts feed fear, giving it power. Identify your negative, self-limiting thoughts and stop them before they enter your heart. Here are some common negative thoughts that you may have experienced:

1. Comparison: “I’m not as likable as that person.”
2. All-or-Nothing: “If I can’t have a close friend, then I just won’t have any friends.”
3. Exaggeration: “That experience completely devastated me. I will never recover.”
4. Catastrophe: “If I go to that social event, it will be a disaster.”
5. Self-limitation: “I can’t…”

Replace these negative thoughts with truths from Scripture:

1. For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength. (Philippians 4:13)
2. We are confident of all this because of our great trust in God through Christ. It is not that we think we are qualified to do anything on our own. Our qualification comes from God. (2 Corinthians 3:4–5)
3. We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves. (2 Corinthians 4:7)

As you focus more on what Christ has done in you and can do through you, your thoughts will shift away from yourself.

The third key to managing fear and cultivating a peaceful mind is to do the right actions. Build a disciplined, godly, and active lifestyle. Join a small group Bible study where others can pray for you and hold you accountable for praying the right prayers, thinking the right thoughts, and doing the right deeds.

You know that your fears are not from the Holy Spirit, because “God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline” (2 Timothy 1:7). Fears come from within and may be exaggerated by the influence of Satan and his hosts. However, you can overcome these fears by strengthening your prayers, refining your thoughts, and aligning your actions with your growing godliness.